More Fire Nation Christmass 2011

Finding Fresh Air in a Smoggy City

Webster defines an element as a component or constituent of a whole. An ingredient; a piece that makes something complete. Something you might not realize is needed or just simply forget the importance of; but without every element, nothing will turn out the way it was destined to. 

It has been exactly 8 months, 1 week, and 4 days since my life completely took a turn… And I'm just now sharing my stories. I've wanted to share what I was experiencing much sooner than now… But I guess now is better than never right? 

I wrote a lot at the beginning. At the time I wasn't expecting to share anything, I just wanted to write so I could remember. The more time I spent becoming apart of their family; the more I realized their need for family, for trust, for love. You would think that after a while of being somewhere and seeing the same hearts break over and over again, you would become numb to it therefore it would become easier. Because after all… I get to leave. I get to go home; I have an outlet. 

I'm only experiencing a fraction of their life without coming close to knowing what living them would actually be like. I feel like their that piece; that small sliver in the pie chart that always gets overlooked; and thats what should be shared. Because I have met some of the most real, honest, loyal, angry, lonely, broken, hurt, intelligent, beautiful people that deserve more than I can fathom. 

I don't want to change the world; the world is what we as humans have made it. I want to LOVE the people IN THE WORLD, like God loves me, because through that LOVE, I was forever changed. I want people to experience true love.

So here it is. 

This was the beginning…its slightly long but then again (it's been 8 months of not sharing…can you blame me?) 

Somewhere around the end of the year of 2010 :

It was ten am on a Saturday morning. A wave of heat washes over me as we pile in one by one in a single file line. The seats were teared and dusty while boxes of food and juice took up the first two rows. The engine starts portraying a soft yet deep grungy ring to it. You couldn't feel the wind or breeze unless you were moving. Each second we were at a stand still, sweltering heat embraced my entire body. This was the first ten minutes of my experience to the Projects.

The East LA projects, located in Watts CA, consists of the largest projects west of the Mississippi. The Los Angeles Dream Center busses food and supplies down every Saturday stopping at three projects; Nickerson Gardens, Imperial Courts and Jordan Downs. Not knowing the difference, I walked onto the bus that was headed to Knickerson; which is actually the largest project west of the Mississippi.

 Blindly I stepped on.

 After twenty minutes of traveling south we had arrived to our destination. Pulling up I saw in the distance what seemed like people gathered in a scattered line. You could tell by the way each person clenched their bags in hand that they were expecting us. They knew we were coming. Feeling like I was in some sort of dream or movie, I got off. There was no time to understand what was going on because quickly we started unloading and passing out the food we had. The next hour felt like seconds. Looking back, I felt like I existed but was not entirely present. 

While walking around, I started to notice that every door had a second metal door in front of it. These doors contained a small square opening at the lower right side. The opening was large enough to slip something through but small enough to stay safe. Exactly like the slots you would put an inmates meal threw. Every home had two barriers to enter; a door and a gate. They are barriers of distrust.

I entered in to what seemed like a living room. At best, there was a couch and television; which had most likely been there for years. Looking around was painful and heartbreaking. There was so much destruction and clutter. Things were piled one on top of another and there was stuff everywhere. I started to feel claustrophobic. Sadly, I realized that this is where five people called home.

Homes down in the projects consists of families in numerous situations and some have it worse than others. I met two families this day that I will keep forever, not only in my heart but my mind. Instantly, I knew I never wanted to be the church that only came on Saturdayʼs. From that first day I became embedded not only with these people; but this place.

I was instantly addicted.  

Most children that are born in the projects, grow up here and end up raising their own families at this very place. It is actually uncommon for most people to leave. At a young age children are given a narrative for their life. Not only is this all they are being told, but they are being fed that this will be their life. Instead of being given another option or outlet they are selling drugs and joining gangs.  

People tend to forget that we donʼt choose the kind of life we are born into; we can only choose what we do with it. You canʼt change who your mother and father are or where you came from. If you are told that ʻyou will never do anything with your lifeʼ you will end up believing it. Childrenʼs minds are very delicate and easily broken. We have to be careful about the things we say and examples we lead.

  I have been beyond blessed to be born into a fortunate family that loves me. My life wasn't a walk in the park, but I donʼt even know the beginning feelings of what it was like to grow up somewhere like this. I grew up in suburbia, catching frogs in our canyon located directly in our backyard. My neighborhood was in a safe enough area that I was able to walk to school with a friend and my mom knew I would be home for dinner. 

Why me? 

Why was I born in a hospital to a loving mom and not in a trash can to a mom addicted to drugs? Why did my mom willingly want to have me as opposed to only having me because she couldn't afford an abortion? What makes me special? The things we take for granted sicken me; and the things I have taken for granted sicken me. I have always felt in my heart that since I was extremely blessed with life I could only do one thing; and that was to give, serve and love those who were less fortunate than myself. People who didn't have what I had. 

I donʼt know what it is like to be scared and afraid to go out when its dark. I've never lived right next door to a gang or to know what getting high was as a kid. I've never had to look over my shoulder or watch my back every second. Every step you take there, you are watched, judged and accounted for. Your family history and skin color define you.The minute it is dark, you should be inside. Not only do most gangs in LA live in these projects, but police are scared to make any type of arrests due to what would happen to their own life. They probably would end up dead if they did anything; which shows the reality of life down here. 

The first time the projects really impacted me was a Saturday I went down to Knickerson Gardens. I had fallen in love with a family I met the first day and continued to visit them every week. TT was the mother and had three precious girls. Excited to see them, I pulled in, parked, and started walking towards their home. I couldn't get there fast enough. As I knocked, silence embraced the other side of the door. No one was home. Disappointed I decided to head over to the park to see if the girls were possibly playing there. With each step I was praying they were there. 

The next thing I knew I was embraced with the biggest hug possible. My prayers were answered and the youngest, Michelle, was at the park. Before I had the chance to pull back from our hug, a lady (whom I think is a crazy person) comes out of no where. She first starts smacking Michelle and then proceeds to scream at me. She starts yelling “put her DOWN! She can play by herself! She doesn't want to play with you!”. She then proceeds to yell at Michelle saying, “I told you, all you cause is trouble! Youʼll never be anything, YOU HEAR ME!” I now realize that this lady is Yes, crazy; but indeed is Michelleʼs Grandma. 

I now am extremely nervous because one, Iʼm by myself, and two, have no clue how to handle this situation. Crying hysterically, Michelle runs home while her grandma follows. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't leave like this, there was no way. I couldn't have the grandma later tell TT that some white girl from the church caused all this commotion. I was not going to let Michelle think that because I came to see her, she now did something wrong. I only had one choice; to go back to their home, knock on the door, and hope that anyone but the grandma answers. 

Someone I had never seen before answered the door. It was TTʼs sister. I desperately wished TT was there. Someone that knows my intentions of why I am there and that I truly love her family. In the background I could hear yelling but couldn't see anything. I took a few minutes and explained to TTʼs sister what had happened but at the same time I didn't understand what happen. At this moment, all I wanted was to say bye to Michelle and get out of there as fast as I could. This was anything other than a normal day of being down there. 

Still in tears, Michele came out.

She wrapped her little arms around me giving me the biggest hug she had ever given me. This hug was different. I could feel that she didn't want to let go, she didn't want me to leave. She then told me two things that will FOREVER stay with me. With her arms still squeezing me tight, she said “I love you”; followed by “Donʼt worry, my Grandma is just high”. 

Michelle is five.

How can we live life seeing these situations but still walk around blind? I can't go on seeing this and not do something about it. Even if the ʻdoing something about itʼ part is just showing up and being an example through love. These kids need love more than I have ever seen. I have met some of the most intelligent kids I have ever come across in the projects. Not because they went to private schools, but because they have had to raise themselves. They weren't handed the ABCʼs of life on a silver platter. From birth these children have had to be fighters. They have no choice but to take care of themselves and grow up on their own. 

Two of my closest friends, Stephaune and Joshua, had also been going down to the projects every Saturday. They started going years before me, but visited Imperial Courts, so I had never been down their with them. They both have founded their own non-profits that I've helped them with here and there. In December of 2010 we all came together and did a ʻChristmas in the Projectsʼ event for selected families in both Imperial Courts and Knickerson Gardens. We gave away toys, clothes, bikes, food and even did a slight home make over for one family. It was amazing.

This was the first time I had been to the projects other than a Saturday morning. Besides TT and her family being one of the Christmas in the Projects family we loved on, I still never took any further steps than that of being apart of the church people who come once a week. It was in my heart to make a difference and show these people true love, but what good was it doing locked inside me?

Shortly after this event, Joshua was in the process of starting his non-profit, Dream Sports Academy, at the gym in Imperial courts. Here he would teach at risk athletes how to succeed in not only sports but life. With sports being the main tool, he will use this to teach them discipline and confidence through positive affirmations and strict training. 

One day he asked me to come down with him to help take some pictures and video of him training the kids. I thought, ʻof course Iʼll go helpʼ. This day didn't turn out any way I had expected. 

Feb. 13th, 2011

Almost immediately after we arrived at the gym, Joshua met one of the main guys, Joe, that runs the gym in the afternoon/ evenings. They decided to sit down and go over what his goals and visions are with these kids. I joined them thinking nothing of it. I've heard Joshua talk about DSA multiple times so his passion is nothing new of the sort to me. But this time it felt different. I couldn't help but think the entire time he was speaking; ʻhow could I get this same information into the hands, hearts, and minds of young girls and or kids who didn't play sportsʼ. I knew this wasn't why I came to the projects today but I feel like Iʼm supposed to be here. Funny how God works.

The minute we get in the car I told Joshua, that the other kids need to be taught this as well. He agreed, and we made a few comments about it but that was the extent of the conversation. About a week later, Joshua had asked me if I minded helping him one more time shoot a few things like what we had done the week before. Willingly I go.

Today we met Shannon, a guy who not only has a major part in running the gym at Imperial, but is the head baseball coach at Compton College. While Josh and him get into conversation, it gave the chance to meet Renee. She is one of two women who run the after school program for the other kids. I start asking questions about what they do with these children after school. She tells me that they have arts and crafts, creative time and help with homework. Immediately, I ask if she could use help. I donʼt think she could have said ʻyesʻ quick enough. One of her main volunteers had just backed out and she was very short staffed. I now realized this was why I had been down here twice. Since Joshua and Shannon were still busy talking, I had the opportunity to meet and play with some of the kids.

Serenity was the first girl I met. She is beautiful, outgoing, intelligent, and an all around amazing girl. Iʼll always remember her asking to borrow my phone, and within three minutes she took a picture of us and set it as my default screensaver. Serenity was nine.

Who knows how to use a BlackBerry at nine years old? I was shocked and very impressed at the same time. We talked for what seemed like ever. She asked me my age, then told me I was old. I told her she was nine; what does she know. She laughed while saying ʻBut my mom is thirty-twoʼ. Serenity doesn't have a boyfriend because she doesn't like guys right now. Again, she is nine. I told her she was beautiful and that any guy would be blessed and lucky enough to end up with her. She pretended not to care. The street smarts on this girl was ridiculous. At nine, I knew 1/10th of what she knew and I couldn't help but keep thinking how smart this girl was.

Serenity sat on my lap within ten minutes of knowing me. She felt comfortable, so I felt comfortable. I was amazed that here was this young girl, in the projects, who just wanted to talk with me. She didn't want to leave my side yet didn't even know me. She clung to me quicker than any little girl I had first come in contact with. I knew this girl needed love more than I had seen in a long time. This girl was special.

Feb. 15th, 2011

Today changed my life forever. I will always remember this day till I die. It was my first day going down to the gym completely on my own. I had said I would come back to a few kids I had previously met; so I went back. Renee wasn't returning my phones call so I decided to head down with hope that the kids were there. From the minute I walked in I was greeted with hugs, smiles and love.

I was there for them...why were they loving on me? 

Confused, I looked around and knew that these children were changing my life just as much as I was changing theirs. 

I also realized the lack of trust that people carried with them down here. The fact that I came back when I said I was going to, meant the world to these kids. They didn't know me; they met me once; but I kept my word. Growing up I experienced what it was like to be told someone was going to do something up and they never did. That feeling never feels good. Being told something will not happen off the bat is far less painful then believing something will happen and it not happening at all. 

Imagine if God treated us this way. If His promises never came to past and He didn't do what He said He was going to do. I donʼt believe many people would believe in God if this was the case. He tells us that there will be times He will go away but to not get discouraged; He promises to come back. We just have to keep faith at all times especially when it is hard. God is trust, and He will always do what He promises. It might not be the way we like or want it done but He knows what is best and will never let us down. 

Today I met three girls in particular. They looked at me, with smiles on their faces, and said ʻYou came back!ʼ I knew after today I would forever have these girls in my life; and nothing would stop me from coming back. Serenity was one along with Naja, and Taejana. I had thought today would be an hour venture to the projects but ended up turning into five straight hours of one of the best times I have ever had in my life. Not only did I play with the kids but I met their moms, cousins, aunts and friends. Unless you grow up in the projects there is no way you can remember who is related. They taught me double dutch and we played for over an hour. We played, laughed and talked. I learned their stories as they learned mine. 

We walked to the candy house and they bought candy. I was the only white female walking around one of the most dangerous areas to be in, in Los Angeles and was never once scared. It was the most amazing experience I have ever had. 

I met a few guys more my age this night as well. The ʻtypicalʼ yet not so typical guys in the projects. At first Iʼm sure the guys thought I was down there only to help Joshua with DSA. But tonight, Josh wasn't there. The guys knew Joshʼs reason and want for being there, but they didn't know mine. I didn't really know mine. 

When I showed up alone I could tell they were confused. I was asked multiple times what I had done wrong to have to do community service down here? Was I from the church? Why do I care? The fact that people actually show up there for the better sake of others, doesn't make sense to people here. They didn't understand the fact that I just wanted to be a role model for these kids and show them love.

I knew this was going to be hard and that I was going to have to earn everyones trust. Immediately I felt judged and watched. I proceeded to tell them that I've done plenty of things wrong but the last time I had to do community service was in college. They asked me what I did to get in trouble, then laughed at what it was. I donʼt look at these guys any different then normal guys I would have gone to college with, and forgot that they grew up in the projects. I then made fun of myself and we laughed at my ʻrebelʼ days. 

While I was getting detention, they were getting bullet scars.

I explained to them that I wasn't from the ʻthe churchʼ unless you are talking about Godʼs church. They could call it charity or whatever they wanted (I didn't really care) but I just want to be here. Once they had a small taste and knew my intentions I felt, or at least hoped, they thought of me some what differently. These guys were awesome. 

If you ask anyone I spoke with after 10PM this night, you will know my true feelings toward this day. I felt like I was on something; literally. I could have possibly inhaled something that the kids were smoking in the corner while watching the basketball game, but I was too happy to care. I hadn't experience this much joy in my entire life. I was somewhere completely out of my comfort zone and didn't have a care in the world besides what was happening in my life at that exact moment. I wanted nothing else than to be there with these amazing people.

I realized tonight that these children who are given no choices in life; are changing mine. In my hope to provide them with love and choices; they are giving me life.

Feb. 16th, 2011

I felt like I was 3,000 feet below sea level. The pressure was so heavy that my alarm clock was making the pain worse. Each throb left its own footprint in my head. I didn't want to get up and face the world. 

I had told the girls the day before I would be back. Not only that I would be back but I also offered to bring todays arts and craft project. The last thing I wanted to do was go down to the projects but there was no way I was not going if I gave them my word. I didn't care if I was on my death bed, I was going. Thankfully, Joshua was training kids today so he drove. I told the girls I would be down by 4. Around 3, Naja called my cell phone asking where I was, how close I was and what the traffic was like. 

We made masks today. I bought some white plastic masks from Michaelʼs craft store along with feathers, paint, and stickers. It was a blast. The kids showed me how to mix paint colors that they had learned a couple days before and I taught them colors they've never learned. One little boy, LL, showed me that by mixing every possible paint color together you get what he called ʻa poopy brown colorʼ. I told him that I knew he didn't mean to make that color but it was the prettiest poopy brown color I had ever seen. He said ʻI knowʼ. Although this day was blurry I was extremely glad I went and didn't let something stop me from going. I have to show these kids that I will be a constant in their lives. That I will be there for them when I say I will.

Feb. 17th, 2011 

By 5:30pm I was back at Imperial. Most of the kids had gone on a small field trip so there wasn't any after school-ish programs. Today, I met Bobby today. He was my age. At first I couldn't tell if he was trying to pick me up or not but at least it sparked a conversation. I was outside with Naja pushing her on the swings, when he came over and asked me my name.  

There are a few things I will never forget about this day I met Bobby. When I asked him his name and he said ʻBobbyʼ, he was taken back immediately by his own response and told me that he had no idea why he had just told me this. Bobby was his birth name and he never tells people this. He stated that he had seen me a few times now and wondered why I was there. I kept feeling that this was only my third day, I havenʼt done anything to make a difference.

He then told me with utter humbleness ʻI respect that you are here. People donʼt come to this place. For one, their scared. And Two, donʼt care enoughʼ. I told him ʻMost people will let you down in life, but for what it was worth; I cared. I just want to love on you guys and the kids because you've had to live life harder than I could imagine. I donʼt have an agenda; I just want to be hereʼ.

It was now my turn for the questions. “Enough about me”; I said, “tell me your story”.

Bobby is an ex gang member. He was born in the projects, grew up in the projects and has never lived anywhere else. The first time in his entire life of leaving not just the state, but Los Angeles was a month ago. He went to Utah for the Sundance film festival. He loved Utah. He said the people were amazing. The way he talked about just being able to leave the state really hit me hard. I couldn't imaging never leaving the state. He didn't tell me how long ago he had gotten out of his gang but at least he was out. Bobby used to sell drugs for a living. He kept using the phrase ʻya know what I mean?ʼ while explaining to me the things he went through in life. I responded with ʻyesʼ only because I do understand what he means.... but I had NO idea…. I understand what he is saying but don't know the first feeling of what it is like to make a living off of selling drugs and hustling. To always have to watch over my shoulder. I have no clue.

Bobby fell tired of always ʻtryingʼ to make it. Tired of ʻactingʼ like lifeʼs purpose was this place. He knew he was worth something. He explained to me that you either stay in the projects and get (excuse my french) b**ches pregnant, sell drugs, or become a professional athlete. He shared with me that his parents were not there for him. He was never lifted up or told he could do anything. He only remembers being told the exact opposite; that he WOULD NEVER be anything.

He told me he comes to the gym to be an example and role model to the kids. To have someone let them know that there is more to life. He currently still lives in the projects but now knows what he is worth.

Someone like Joshua had come into Bobbyʼs life as a young boy and loved on him and taught him the same things Joshua and I were doing. He fell into the gang and drug scene at an early age, but always had this guy and what he had said in the back of his mind. This guy was a major factor in why he got out of his gang. He wishes he could find this 'mystery man' to let him know the impact he had made towards him to this day. He said "It's the small things people do when they truly care that make a difference. And they'll rarely ever know. Which is oddly a beautiful thing. Because the beautiful thing about those types of people is that they don't need praise; they truly just care about you."

Bobby was shot two months ago in December. The bullet went all the way through his left bicep and out the other side of his arm hitting his side rib cage. If the bullet were to have gone any further it would have punctured his lungs and then heart and would have died. I met Bobby 15 minutes ago. 

This is what I love about being around these people in this place. Everyone is so honest and real. Their not afraid to talk about life and how it really is. What is mistaken as dangerous; to me tonight, was a breath of fresh air. Los Angeles, is so stuffy and full of people with fluff and fake-ness. People who only look out for themselves and are afraid to tell you the truth because they are really scared of what you will think of them. 

In order for me to feel a breath of fresh air, I had to go to South Central LA. I had to leave Beverly Hills and drive 40 minutes south to go where Iʼd rather be. Where I know that if someone says something to me, they donʼt care who I am but it will be honest.

Tonight was a breath of fresh air; Bobby was fresh air.

Feb. 19th, 2011 

I havenʼt been to the projects in two days. I truly miss the people.